je ne sais pas

we had some people over for dinner + cranium last night. good stuff. we should have more board games though. when i was younger i always hated charades type games cause i couldn't get up in front of people. but ya know, i actually kinda enjoy the green (star preformer) cranium cards. they're silly.

it doesn't feel like the quarter's over. i keep wanting to be like "i should go work on stuff" but i dont have anything to do. it's weird and i don't know what to do with myself...

i sort of wish i was going back to old STL for break. I want to friend hop and go out and stay in and party and dance and just be wierd. but at the same time i'd be afraid of going back cause i'm afraid it'd be too awkward for me to handle. i would just implode..or something. i don't know why i'm so afraid of and disconnected to people from my past. it's really pretty strange when i think about it because i know i have no reason to be.

its strange looking back at last year, around this time....according to the old diarlyand site, I was wanting to do IVA instead of VCD. I was losing sleep because i thought peter didn't want to be my friend any more. I was looking forward to going to STL for some lovin. I was knitting. I was looking forward to a new start and big change. But now: I obviously want to do VCD, I'm living with peter, STL would be lovin-less for me, I haven't knit since then, and for the first time (maybe not the first time. but at least the first in a long time) i'm not actually craving The New Begining, which is really strange for me.

I mean, I totally welcome it but it's not like "OMG I NEED CHANGE NOW" which is sort of how it's been for most my life. I'm hoping I see some of the same kids in my classes next quarter, I'm looking forward to going back to my same job (which I actually want to keep till I graduate, unless i get like a "real" job or something first, but that's doubtful.)

I can't decide if it's good or bad. It's kinda nice to not feel like i NEED it, so i guess it's a nice content feeling. But I'm also TERRIBLY afraid of just becoming like a boring and repetative zombie, driven by habit and laziness instead of desire and lust for life (which is such a good song). of course maybe it's a temporary feeling and by next week I'll be back to my new-craving ways. and i think this entry is getting too long.


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